Behind My Helmet

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years and found the passion of biking a release from the stresses of everyday life only 4 years ago.

Recently events have taken a turn so that I am not able to go out on my bike as much as I would like so have gone back to another passion..blogging.

Throughout my many years of life I’ve gone through a massive journey of realisation, happiness, sadness, love, loss and domestic abuse. My blog posts may be random but my experiences real. Feel free to comment on any of my posts but due to some of the topics covered, I have changed names of people mentioned in my blog to protect myself and them.

Fun on the Dirt Track..well I stood and watched

Yesterday a friend phoned up at short notice and asked if I wanted to go watching her Flat Track racing. What could I say but..YES! So I quickly got changed, grabbed my trusty Nikon camera and she picked me up in her van with her bike on board.

I have lived here for over 30 years and didn’t know some of these roads we went down or that the Dirt Track even existed. It was on a farm so there were a few animals there all crying out to have their photo taken.

Below are the all the photos I took.

 
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See here for documentation.

My Journey…You CAN do it

Here’s a bit about my journey, its extremely long but please read to the end…

In 2016 I left my abusive partner feeling suicidal, with severe depression and anxiety and little self worth. Being stuck on antidepressants I simply plodded on.

In 2017 I took a massive step to take my first overseas plane journey to stay with friends in Spain and had a great time. Realising I could do this I then decided to start trying to accomplish at least one of my dreams so purchased bits of second hand biking gear. I’d wanted to ride a bike since I was a teenager but that too was thwarted when at the hands of my father I suffered a head injury when I was 16 and developed epilepsy. Until they got my medication right, it was only in 2001 I passed my car test and had been seizure free since then.

Early 2018 I did the massive step that was to be my journey and did my CBT. Getting a scooter was just amazing and I quickly realised I wanted to get my full bike license so swapped the scooter for a Suzuki EN125 I called “Suzi”. My life was transformed, going out, meeting people, going for rides even going camping in the worst rain to the Women’s Record meet up in July 2018 on the border of Wales (I live on the East coast in Lincolnshire!). During this time I got friendly with a guy called Paul who was a Blood Biker and decided that I wanted to be too.
I did my theory test and passed. I then started taking lessons for my MODs in August and throughout the months due to nerves I failed my MOD1 an embarrassing 5 times. I purchased a ZZR600 on the anticipation that I’d soon be on the road but it wasn’t to be. My instructor Keith was patient but upset for me as I remember him saying. “You can ride well, you’re fine at practice, but you enter the compound of doom and everything falls apart”. In December I finally heard those magic words “You’ve passed”.

January 10th 2019, exactly a year after I did my CBT and had covered a massive 18000 miles on my 125 I took my MOD2 on a freezing cold day and passed. I got the ZZR MOT’d and was out the same day. I then went out as much as I was able with this new found freedom and met more friends.
In March I took part in the Women Riders World Relay and got quite a bit of press publicity, including featuring on the website. https://womenridersworldrelay.com/about/our-riders/michelle-gardner-uk/
I was involved in organising the route of the baton’s journey through my home county of Lincolnshire. Sadly this came to an abrupt end as the water pump and driveshaft bearing failed on my aged ZZR emptying the contents of the sump all over the road and my back tyre.
April 2019, I took part in track based road training called Performance Plus at my local track Cadwell Park and learnt loads more stuff. I then did a Police Rider day with a local Police Motorcycling Instructor and decided then I wanted to get my Advanced training and test done to realise another dream of being a Blood Biker.
In September 2019 I joined my local ROSPA group and was put in touch with Jeff, their motorcycle trainer. An amazing guy with a false leg and a huge heart.

Unfortunately we went into COVID lockdown and my training stopped. When lockdown eased I signed up with LEBBS and did the induction. My first shift was in a car. Fast forward late 2020 I did a couple of training sessions  and got a Bronze ROSPA – not high enough to be a blood biker.

I rebooked my test and it was May 2021 before I was allocated a slot and got a Silver ROSPA. Yes!!! I could now be a blood biker.

I have since done several shifts, got a new job until in February 2022 I suffered a massive epileptic seizure due to me trying to keep up 2 jobs and pushing myself too hard and have had to surrender my license and put my dreams of biking and Blood Biking on hold. I have since lost my job as a delivery driver and now having to rely on lifts from other people and income from my part time self employment as well as my relationship ending. I am back down to feeling really low, but looking back on my journey I have changed the mindset that my dreams are ON HOLD, not gone. At least my poor suffering high mileage bike has had a rest and a good clean and service.

Looking back to 2016 and to early 2021 I have achieved many things and changed my mindset to one of you CAN do it and every obstacle is a CHALLENGE TO BE OVERCOME. Had my mind been in the same place as in 2016, I don’t think I’d be here writing this.

2022.. another bum year so far

Its only the second week of January and so far I’m struggling at home with my relationship, found out my beloved dog has cancer and only has a few months to live. Following investigations of my oesophagus I have been referred to an oncologist as my white cells are attacking my oesophagus and stomach in addition to a hiatus hernia. My mental health is not great but the antidepressants sort of keep me “ok”.

I’ve managed to get out on the bike a bit for a few lone rides and did do a group ride to Matlock Bath, which I thoroughly enjoyed apart from the front end of my bike bouncing, I suspect due to old oil or something not providing any damping so got an expensive bill coming up for 2 new tyres as well.